


Lately I've Been Waking Up Alone

by Mosca



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Background Jason Brown/Tyler Pierce, Background Joshua Farris/OMC, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Infidelity, M/M, Promiscuity, Relationship Negotiation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-29
Updated: 2015-06-29
Packaged: 2018-04-06 20:16:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4235160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mosca/pseuds/Mosca
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Josh and Jason aren't hooking up, and then they are, and then they're not, and then they grow the hell up.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lately I've Been Waking Up Alone

**Author's Note:**

> This fic contains: lots of random hookups with original characters, the main pairing having sex while one of them has a girlfriend, a bisexual character dealing with internalized biphobia, rimming, drunk sex with a stranger, awkward sex with a (different) stranger, discussion of athletic injuries and recovery, angsty guitar playing, and a happy ending.
> 
> Lovessong is an excellent beta reader and an excellent friend. Footnoterphone is an excellent cheerleader, and she's right that "Satan's Gay Whore" is an excellent alternative title. Sandyk helped with a bunch of little things, excellently.
> 
> The title is from "Give Me Love" by Ed Sheeran, because _certain people_ have gotten away with skating their short program to pop songs about drunken rebound hookups, and it seems only fair to use the lyrics.
> 
> I put [this playlist](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLuxCebbS5IW9D0lAaCsOcgxfvkMSiharb) on repeat while I wrote. It follows the plot of the story and makes an ideal soundtrack if earnest folk-rock and gender-bending covers are your jam.

1.

“So you’re spending, like, every afternoon in his room, and you’re _not_ having sex?” Mirai sounds angry with Josh, and he’s not sure how to respond, because his usual way of coping with angry people is to let their freak-outs wash over him until they give up and walk away. Nobody could get as angry with Josh as he gets with himself. So he nods and lets her keep going. “I’m sorry,” she says. “I’m just confused. Are you straight? Don’t try to tell me _he_ is. Did you try it once and it didn’t work? Is it one of those gay bro things where you sleep with everyone but each other?”

She’s overestimating Josh’s sex life so much, it’s humiliating. “It honestly never came up,” he says.

She judges him through narrowed eyes but shows him mercy. “That, I actually believe.”

“Well, okay, because that’s the whole story. He does his homework, and I practice the guitar, and we just hang out until dinnertime.”

“And you don’t want anything else to happen?” It looks like she’s back to judging him.

“I don’t. I mean, I wouldn’t say no if it did, but I’m not, like, secretly in love with him or anything,” Josh says.

She folds her arms. “So there’s someone else?”

“Not really.”

“If you tell me you’re just really focused on your skating right now, I’m going to slap you in the face,” Mirai says.

“There’s just not,” Josh says. He checks his phone and fakes a reaction. He cannot get back to the ice fast enough.

His ankle is really bothering him, to the point where Damon commands him to see the trainer. Josh protests one last time that he’s fine and wants to keep going, because even though every time he lands a jump it feels like his ankle is crashing into a pile of dynamite, he’s in love with his new short program choreography. Mirai can slap him in the face if it makes her feel better, but his short is his only boyfriend. “Give Me Love” is his favorite song, and the moves are how he feels about the song, and he believes that if he skates the program enough times, he will understand how he feels.

But he won’t get to do that anytime soon, because the trainer diagnoses a high ankle sprain and tells him he’s off the ice for two weeks or more. Josh tries to bargain the trainer down to ten days and receives a painkiller prescription and a pair of crutches. He’s going to need to ask Jason to drive him to the drugstore and then home, instead of meeting him at the Olympic Training Center like he does when he can put enough pressure on his ankle to operate a gas pedal. 

He tests his crutches all the way to the patch of lawn in front of the rink and sits down in the grass with his guitar. After he texts Jason to let him know what’s going on, he rests the guitar in his lap and translates his athletic mindset into his fingers, turning the chords of “Give Me Love” into muscle memory. When he skates, he feels the song through his whole body, but when he plays it, he’s rebuilding it, turning it into his own creation.

The music makes him lose track of time. He looks up to see a cluster of skaters at the edge of the grass, listening to him play. They’re maybe middle-school aged, and he doesn’t recognize them, so they’re probably from one of the freestyle classes, not from the elite session. He waves at them and returns to his song. Alone, he could repeat “Give Me Love” all afternoon, but aware of his audience, he tries the handful of other songs he knows, humming through the lines of lyrics he can’t remember.

Jason lets him get to the end of “Free Man in Paris” before coming up behind him and asking, too loudly, if he knows any Taylor Swift songs. Josh laughs and says, “Thanks for coming to get me. I guess I screwed up my ankle worse than I thought - it’s a high sprain.”

“That sucks,” Jason says. “How long are you out?”

“Two weeks.”

“So I won’t see you at all?” Jason sounds not just disappointed but kind of destroyed.

“I have to go to the OTC every day for physical therapy, so we can hang out after that,” Josh says.

“Are you still sticking around today, though? Because I could use the company. I mean, if you’re not in too much pain.”

“They gave me a shot of something,” Josh says. “I can’t even feel it.”

“Cool, so we’ll go back to my room, and then I’ll take you home after dinner,” Jason says. “And then if you need to, I can take you and your mom back here so you can pick up your truck.” 

Helping Josh in and out of the car, Jason is too patient with him, too accommodating. Josh tries to convince himself that Jason is just being a good friend. But Jason has a million friends he could invite to his room while Josh recovers, and Jason doesn’t seem to consider any of them an equal replacement. “You know everyone thinks we’re hooking up, right?” Josh says.

Jason giggles. “Yeah, Mariah says people keep coming up to her and, like, assuming _they’re_ the one she’d tell.”

“No, that’s a passive-aggressive thing,” Josh says. “Like she’s supposed to admit that she’s the one going out with you, or that she wants to be. Or get mad and deny it because oh my God, the _scandal._ ”

“People here set the bar really low,” Jason says. “For scandal, I mean, why would it be a big deal? All skaters do is date other skaters.”

“Oh, there are some weirdos holding out hope that I’ll meet the right _girl_ skater.”

Jason nods and rolls his eyes, like he knows of specific girls, and he wouldn’t wish any of them on Josh. “So why haven’t we? Hooked up, I mean.”

“Well, you never said anything or made a move,” Josh says.

“You didn’t either,” Jason points out.

“But you, like, it’s so easy for you to tell people what you want. I just assumed if you were into me, you’d say so.”

Jason gets oddly quiet, like he is trying to observe himself from outside. “Not when it’s important, though,” he says. “Then all of a sudden it’s like, what will people think of me? I’ve never told a guy I liked that I was into him. Girls, that’s easy, even if they say no, but guys, it’s like, _What do I do if he says yes._ ”

“I haven’t either,” Josh says. “Not anybody, not that there’s ever _been_ a girl. I kind of let guys come to me. Which means going out with mostly douchebags, but -” He doesn’t know how that sentence ends, so he shrugs.

“You’ve told somebody once, though,” Jason says. “Right now. You just told me.”

“But you’re different. We’re friends. And I knew, no matter whether you were into me or not, we’d still be friends.”

“Yeah, I get that,” Jason says. “So no matter what happens, we’ll be friends, okay?”

Josh wants to reach out and squeeze Jason’s hand, to reassure him, but if Josh lets go of his crutches, he will fall over. “Okay,” he says.

“So the elevator’s right down there,” Jason says. They never take it; Jason’s room is on the second floor, so normally the stairs are quicker. “It’s the slowest elevator in the world, and if you don’t kiss me before it gets here, I will be seriously mad at you.”

It’s good that Josh kisses Jason as soon as Jason presses the call button, because the elevator has been waiting on the ground floor, and its doors open immediately. As they make out during the slow ride upward, Josh thinks, it shouldn’t be so hard to kiss a friend, because kissing someone he trusts, who he’s not nervous with, is so much better.

2.

They are having so much sex, it’s ridiculous. The first rule is still that they’ll be friends no matter what, which translates to no shame. They are trying things they have only fantasized about, things they have only seen in porn, things they aren’t sure the human body can achieve in real life. Those are the adventurous days, the ones when they have time. The other days, the ones when Josh has endured three hours of PT on his ankle (which is now two weeks behind its healing schedule) and Jason has spent the entire afternoon landing quad toes on his ass (or under-rotated and two-footed, which is arguably worse), they suck each other’s dicks lazily and then hang around talking and listening to music like they’ve always done. Other than the sex, nothing else has changed. They don’t cuddle or go on dates, don’t buy each other gifts or get lost in each other’s eyes. There’s a phrase for what they are, and it ends with “benefits” but begins with what they’ve always been.

It is one of their lazy cock-sucking days. Josh is kneeling on the little blue-and-green braided rug on Jason’s floor, and Jason is sitting with his legs over the side of the bed and his back arched so his Adam’s-apple points to the ceiling while he moans incoherently about wanting even more of Josh’s mouth. This isn’t Josh’s favorite position for giving, mostly because he can’t finger Jason’s ass, which makes Jason come so much harder. But sometimes Josh doesn’t want to come hard, either. Sometimes, a tired body needs a gentle release.

Josh has been off the ice for a month, and his energy is so bound up in his muscles, he couldn’t stand the same gentle treatment. He wants to shove Jason down flat on the bed and fuck his face, no, he wants Jason’s legs in the air so he can eat Jason’s ass and then fuck the hell out of him. He wants his turn.

Jason comes while Josh is lost in his own aggressive fantasies. Jason helps Josh to his feet, and Josh pushes him onto his back. “Mind if I, like, rough you up a little? I’m kind of in a mood.”

Jason’s eyes light up. “Just don’t mark me up too bad. I have a costume fitting tomorrow.” He arches his neck up and pulls his knees to his chest, rolling like a potato bug. Josh wonders what kinked out his back, skating or sex. Jason says, “On second thought, do your worst, I have a costume fitting.”

“Tell them to make your pants tighter,” Josh says.

Jason blushes.

“So the judges can see your lines,” Josh says.

“So you can stare at my butt on TV.”

“So I can jerk off to your short program,” Josh says. “Because I’m going to be stuck on the couch until Nationals at this rate, and then I’m going to be under-trained and fuck _that_ up.”

Jason stretches his legs out and yanks Josh forward by the collar of his t-shirt. “You’re in a mood.” He kisses Josh. “Take it out on me.”

Josh returns the kiss, forcing his knees between Jason’s legs, raking strands of hair loose from Jason’s ponytail. Neither of them needs the buildup. Jason is still in blow job afterglow, and Josh has gotten hard on the power of his imagination. He could get Jason ready by eating his ass out, and Jason would be into that, but Josh doesn’t want to stop kissing. He gropes for the lube, knocking a few objects off Jason’s nightstand. Jason squirms and sighs when Josh fingers him, squeezing and releasing his muscles. Jason radiates delight when he’s about to bottom, like getting his ass pounded is the greatest gift in the world.

Josh tries to go slow, but Jason won’t let him. “Why are you holding back? I told you to take it out on me.” Josh draws in his breath and slams into Jason as hard as he can, as hard as he wants to. Jason will tell him if it hurts, if he wants it to stop hurting. Jason is hot and tight around Josh’s cock. Josh does what Jason told him to do, shoves all his frustration out through his hips and his cock until his anger turns to ecstasy. He braces himself on Jason’s knees as the pleasure rises. He could not feel better than this. He comes and he’s calm, a quiet pile of skin and bones.

Jason slides around under him. He kisses Josh’s hair and strokes the back of his neck. “Don’t you ever hold back on me again,” he scolds. Even at his most intense, Jason sounds sweet, on the verge of laughter.

“Sometimes I don’t realize I’m holding back until you tell me I am,” Josh says.

“That’s what we’re here for,” Jason says. “To push each other. I mean, neither of us would get anywhere if we didn’t have the other one to be like, ‘That’s pretty neat, but you’ll have to do better next time.”

“Not in _bed,_ ” Josh says, without much conviction in his own protest. “Okay, never mind. Especially in bed. Because who else is going to be brutally honest with me _and_ cute about it?”

“See, you agree with me because I’m right,” Jason says.

“Yeah, you win this one,” Josh says. “But watch out.”

3.

Jason is trying to put a happy spin on losing Skate America by thirty points. It was in Jason’s hometown, and even though he’s not obsessing over his mistakes like Josh would, his strained smile shows that silver isn’t cutting it for him. Josh has given Jason what he hopes was a very comforting blow job, and Jason is returning the favor, although he’s so disconnected that Josh almost wishes he would stop. No, not just almost. “Hold up,” Josh says.

“What’s wrong?” Jason looks goofy, his head popping up between Josh’s legs.

“If your head’s not in it, I can go jerk off.” Josh manages to tag it with a smile, to turn the problem into an affectionate joke.

“Yeah, I -” Jason gets up from his knees and stretches.

“Should I go find my pants?” Josh says.

“Yeah, maybe.”

Josh rests a hand on Jason’s neck and kisses his cheek. “It’s fine. You don’t have to be into it every single time.” He’s concerned enough that his boner is mostly dead, anyway.

“Yeah, see, the thing is - I was Skypeing with Tyler the night after Skate America, and I - I think things are getting kind of serious between me and her, so maybe you and I need to, like, take the benefits off the table.”

In the back of Josh’s mind, he’s recognized this would happen eventually. But he hasn’t been looking for a boyfriend, so it unnerves him that Jason has been searching for something more permanent than Josh’s convenient cock this whole time. He puts on his pants and shoes, collects his skate bag and guitar case. “I get it. That’s great, I mean, I hope she makes you happy and stuff. So I guess I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“We’re still friends, though, right?” Jason looks desperate.

“Yeah,” Josh says. “Just give me a day or two to get my head around it.” He hopes he can get over it that quickly. He’s not sure what it means if he can’t.

Two days later, he’s back in Jason’s room playing the guitar, because he’s training like crazy so he won’t have to withdraw from Cup of China but so out of shape that he’s barely landing his doubles, and going home would mean having to deal with that anxiety. It turns out that he and Jason can keep their pants on just fine when they put their minds to it. As the weeks go by, Josh never gets around to asking whether Tyler’s annoyed that he and Jason spend so much time together, whether she even knows. That’s a deeper and more honest conversation than their friendship allows for, so Josh sticks to topics like skating and music. He keeps to his side of Jason’s room.

He ends up withdrawing from Cup of China but insists on going to NHK even though his jumps are still a mess. He makes no miraculous turnaround, and his last-place score is an abomination. As he’s drowning his sorrows in a reheated dairy-free meal, Dice Murakami comes up and invites him to a house party. Josh isn’t sure why Dice has chosen him - they’re not really friends - but if he’s in public, he won’t be able to wallow in his misery.

It’s a long, weird train ride to the party, Josh and Dice and two other skaters Josh doesn’t know well, but if he listens to their conversation and laughs occasionally, they’ll mistake him for a socially well-adjusted human being. The party is not what he expects: they’re the only skaters, but a lot of the other guests are expats. As Josh flings his jacket onto a bed piled with handbags and outerwear, a redheaded girl hands him an ice-cold can. “What is it?” Tonight would not be a good night for anaphylactic shock.

“Chu-hi.” Her Scottish accent makes her chirpy demeanor even brighter. “Tastes like fizzy drink, works like vodka.”

“Thanks.” As he takes a sip, she leans forward so he can see down her shirt. “But - gay. Extremely gay. Which is unfortunate, because they’re really nice.” She cracks up, and now she’s his tour guide, leading him around so he can meet everyone. His first thought is, she and Jason would get along, but they’d probably compete to see who could be the bounciest. The millionth person she introduces him to is a ridiculously tall Australian boy with a face full of freckles and a crinkly-eyed smile that just about makes Josh come in his pants. After a few minutes of small talk, Josh decides he has nothing to lose. He rattles his empty can. “Do you know where I can get another one of these?”

The answer to Josh’s question is definitely not the bathtub. But the tub is full of messy half-drunk kisses, and giant Australian hands on Josh’s ass, and a wet mouth around Josh’s cock before he’s thought to ask for it. Something about a new body, a new tongue and cock and scent, makes Josh struggle to hold back. He wants to stay in this moment forever, on the edge, but the point of a hook-up is, it passes. He lets this one become a memory, at least on his end. Then, he pushes the Australian onto the foam floor surrounding the tub and makes him moan and beg so loud, Josh is grateful for the thumping music beyond the bathroom’s thin walls.

“What’s your name again?” the Australian asks as he zips his jeans.

“Josh.”

“Sean,” The Australian holds a hand out for him to shake. “Look me up the next time you’re in Osaka, won’t you?”

As they return to the party, someone is firing up karaoke on the PlayStation. Josh is drunk enough and freshly laid enough to feel confident about singing in front of strangers. He would keep it up all night, but Dice pulls out his phone and says, “Oh, shit,” and they race back to the station just in time for the last train, Josh’s jacket a souvenir for new best friends he’ll never see again.

4.

Josh is surprised to see Jason still at the OTC dining hall two days before Christmas. “You’re not going to Chicago?”

“Why would I be? Oh, right. No, the flights are crazy expensive, and my family doesn’t make a big deal out of Hanukkah because it’s so close to my birthday. I don’t even own a menorah. I’ve been illegally lighting a Yankee Candle, so my room smells like Fluffy Towels.”

Josh shifts on his feet, afraid he’s crossing a line. “Well, if you’re not doing anything, my family always has a ton of extra food. You’d be totally welcome.”

“Thanks,” Jason says, “but Mariah’s family invited me already.”

“Well, then, I guess I should give you your present now,” Josh says.

“You got me something? Wow, you really didn’t have to.”

“I probably should have gotten it in time for your birthday,” Josh says. “Sorry about that.” 

“It’s a present,” Jason says. “Presents are good no matter what.” He tears open the paper the moment Josh hands him the box. “These are the _good_ protein bars,” he says in awe. “This is a giant box of the only gluten-free, dairy-free protein bars in the world that actually taste okay.” He drops the box and throws his arms around Josh. “But I didn’t get you anything.”

“You could let me fuck you,” Josh whispers, not serious.

Jason’s embrace shifts in an instant. He is closer and heavier, bearing his weight into Josh. “I want to,” he whispers back. “You have no idea.” He pulls away and studies Josh for a moment. “It’d be a one-time thing.”

“Don’t. I mean, you have a girlfriend, and I was mostly joking in the first place.” Josh’s heart isn’t in any of this. He doesn’t want Jason to break up with Tyler, not if they’re happy together, but he resents that she’s a wedge between them that Jason doesn’t seem to want, either.

“Okay,” Jason says. “Thanks for the present. I guess I’ll see you after Christmas.”

“Wait,” Josh says, body-blocking him from walking away. “There was - there’s a song I’ve been working on, that I wanted to play for you.”

Jason smiles like he’s about to cry. “Let’s go.” They don’t touch on their way to Jason’s room, but it’s like Josh can feel the electricity rising from Jason’s skin. His mind is full of things that make him hard: the simple excitement of hooking up, the memory of Jason’s expert hands and mouth, the guilty exhilaration of helping him cheat. He wants to feel worse about that, to be moral enough to turn Jason down, but with Jason so desperate, he can’t convince himself he’s doing anything wrong.

Josh is afraid of what he’ll feel if he kisses Jason. He goes for Jason’s cock right away instead. He’s halfway to his knees before he asks, “What do you want to do?”

“I want you inside me, I want you on top, you have no idea.” It’s the second time Jason has said that, and he’s convinced Josh that he can’t know, that Jason could never explain what has gone wrong, what has gone missing.

Josh gets Jason out of his pants and gets himself undressed. It’s strange to use a condom, to have moved past that and to step back toward safety and caution. But Jason’s body yields as if no time has passed, as if it remembers Josh’s fingers and then his cock. Josh tries to take it slow, for his own sake, but Jason begs for more of him, for roughness, for giving all of himself. “If I do that, I’ll come right now,” Josh says.

“Then never mind,” Jason laughs.

Josh holds himself back, holds onto Jason. He tries to see Jason the way he’d look at any other hookup, the pinch and ripple of his back muscles, his firm ass. But Jason’s hair bounces between his shoulders, and Josh can’t help seeing him for who he is, confident and optimistic, curious and kind-hearted. All the things Josh wants to have more of and needs in his life. Maybe he’ll think better of it after he comes, but he’s pretty sure he’s figured out what his problem is. He gave his heart to Jason ages ago, and it’s taken him until now to realize it’s gone. “Fuck,” he says.

“You okay?” Jason says, breath ragged with pleasure.

“Yeah, just, fuck, it feels good,” Josh says, and Jason seems to buy it. But Josh can’t feel anything outside of himself, outside of loving Jason so much that he doesn’t want him to leave his girlfriend, so much that he wouldn’t know what to do if Jason loved him back.

5.

Mirai is hanging over Josh’s shoulder after the first day of Nationals practice like she’s his stalker or his conscience. “So you and Jason are back together?”

Josh laughs into his guitar. “One, we were never together, and two, no.”

“One, I live across the hall from him and you guys are not quiet, and two, you’re both really bad liars.” She makes space for herself next to him on the small sofa in the strangely deserted hotel hospitality room. 

“Yeah, he’s still with Tyler,” Josh says. “And I’m still with whoever I find on Grindr five minutes after my free skate.”

“You’re going to check Grindr during the medal ceremony?” she says, forcing a smile out of him. “Seriously, the way you two hang on each other, and he’s avoiding Tyler - there’s going to be gossip. Brace yourself.”

“I didn’t know he was avoiding Tyler.”

Mirai shrugs. “Maybe he’s just really focused on his training. Or maybe you two are hooking up on the side, and he doesn’t know how to dump her.”

“We’re not,” Josh says. “Like, I wish we were, but we’re not.” 

She half-hugs him and rests her head on his shoulder, but Josh cringes away. Even if they were closer, he wouldn’t want her comfort or her pity. “Sorry,” she says.

“It was fun while it lasted with him,” Josh says. “But he has a girlfriend, and I have other guys, and it’s fine. So don’t - don’t read more into it than there is.”

“Okay,” Mirai says. “But maybe - maybe you shouldn’t close your eyes to stuff, either. Because it seems like he’s happy just to be around you, and you know, maybe that says something about you, too.”

It’s not the most profound observation. Josh has resisted it hard, though, the idea that he’s something special to Jason, that it’s not solely his own fault that _friendship_ is not quite what they have. He hunches over his guitar and strums his way into something more than a chord progression but less than a song. He’s no songwriter, but if he were, he could make something out of this.

He channels his whole heart into his programs, the lovesick hope of his short and the despair of his free skate. Every time he jumps, he finds his feet. He finds out that he would have won - would have beaten Jason - if he’d only learned to count. When he hugs Jason on the podium, it’s tough to let go.

There’s barely time after the medal ceremony to change clothes, let alone check Grindr, but he skates early enough in the gala to browse boys backstage. He makes a connection with a fan inside the arena - dangerous ground, and more exciting for that. They arrange to meet in the other guy’s hotel room an hour after the gala. Tossing frisbees and t-shirts into the audience during the finale, Josh wonders if he’s flinging a free gift to his future hookup.

Harboring a vague but exhilarating terror that using the internet to hook up with strangers is going to get him killed someday, Josh knocks on the door of his Grindr mystery date’s hotel room. The guy is cuter than his app pictures: short, Asian, wire-rimmed glasses, a tattoo cuff around toned biceps. He’s older than Josh, which Josh has learned to prefer, because older guys know who they are, what they want. They save Josh the trouble of figuring that out for himself.

“Oh my God!” the guy says in a loud whisper. Flattered, Josh smiles and kisses his cheek, but the guy keeps talking. “I assumed from the pics that I was getting a skater, but you’re -”

Josh takes a step back into the hallway. “Is that a problem? Should I go?”

“No. _So_ not a problem, at least not for me. If you’re okay hooking up with a huge fan, I mean. Your short program is my favorite thing of the season. It’s so musical and original, it just blows my mind.”

Josh blushes and rakes his fingers through his hair. “Thanks.”

“Okay, I promise not to talk your ear off about skating. I’m sure you’ve been doing that all week.” The guy lets Josh in, gives a name unusual enough that it doesn’t stick in Josh’s head, and stands awkwardly in the middle of the hotel room like he’s too star-struck to make a move.

Josh hangs his coat over the desk chair. Then, knowing his abs are what got him a Grindr “like” in the first place, he pulls his shirt over his head to reveal them. The guy smiles hungrily, then, as if remembering to feel intimidated, steps back and crosses his arms over his chest. Josh sighs; he had hoped to lie back on a stranger’s bed and let someone else do the work tonight. In the hope that bluntness will force something to happen, he says, “I really want you to suck my dick.”

The guy swallows audibly. Josh can’t tell if he’s fulfilling his wildest dreams or shattering them. Either way, Josh doesn’t want that kind of responsibility. The strategy works, at least, and after some cursory making out, the guy is on his knees, unbuckling Josh’s belt. He’s good enough to arch Josh’s back and throw off Josh’s balance, to make Josh brace himself on his shoulders and beg for release.

The guy comes up behind Josh while Josh is still tying up the condom. He’s found his confidence now, grinding his still-clothed hard-on into Josh’s ass. Josh isn’t sure he trusts this guy enough to bottom for him. “I took a pretty hard fall at the gala,” Josh says. “Would you mind if I just go down on you?”

“Yeah, that’s fine,” the guy says. “Too bad, though. Your butt is perfect.” The compliment makes Josh shudder, so he turns around and gets the guy off as efficiently as possible. “Hey, one more thing before you go?” the guy says. 

Josh looks up from the knot he’s picking out of his shoelace.

“Would you mind signing my leg?” The guy brandishes a stretch of bare thigh. 

“Yeah, that’s probably not a good idea,” Josh says. “Nice meeting you, though. Have a safe trip home.”

“You too,” the guy says, abruptly recovering his common courtesy. “Good luck at Worlds.”

In the elevator, Josh’s phone vibrates. It’s a text from Jason: **Busy tonite?**

Struck with the urge to hear Jason’s voice, Josh calls him back. “Yeah, things ended a lot earlier than I planned,” he says when Jason picks up. “You’re not hanging out with Tyler?”

“I was supposed to,” Jason says. “But she’s beating herself up for how she skated yesterday, and I just - I mean, I won, and it would be nice if she could let it go and be excited for me.”

“Well, _I’m_ excited for you!” Josh says, as if he hasn’t already told Jason so five times today. 

“I’m excited for _us._ We’re going to Four Continents and Worlds! I’m not sure I’d even survive without you there.”

Josh is glad Jason isn’t there to see him stumble over his own feet. The words _I love you too_ come very close to falling out of his mouth. “So why don’t we hang out for a while? Make some plans for Seoul. What’s your room number? Or wait, I’m standing outside of that sports bar we were making fun of on the shuttle, the one across the street from the arena. Meet me here, and we won’t have to worry about roommates?”

“Oh my God, thank you, I need to get out of here so bad.”

While he waits for Jason, Josh pops a Benadryl and studies the menu in search of items that aren’t covered in cheese. He and Jason spend hours in a booth with Diet Cokes, sharing a plate of ribs, giggling about nothing. As they’re paying the check, the waitress says, “The DJ’s going to start in, like, fifteen minutes. I can escort you two back if you want to dance.”

Josh senses that Jason is on the verge of earnestly admitting they’re underage and slips in with, “Oh, I left my ID at the hotel.”

“I’m pretty sure the manager knows who you are,” she says. “You were on half the screens in here this afternoon.”

Josh should be exhausted, but the pounding music feeds his energy. He needs to shake everything off, to lose himself, to be close to Jason in whatever way he can.

6.

They’re on the same flight to Seoul, and of course it’s delayed. Josh has all of _Happy Endings_ downloaded onto his iPad, but Jason isn’t content to let Josh zone out. He wants to take selfies and show Josh stuff on YouTube. Josh decides that unfairly canceled sitcoms can wait, because Jason might explode if no one entertains him.

In the jetway after they’ve scanned their tickets, Jason’s coach wordlessly hands Josh her boarding pass so he can trade with her. “Oh, I was going to sleep,” Josh says, although he knows he’s not very convincing.

“You need to let him talk to you,” Kori says. “Otherwise, he’s going to hold it in and sabotage himself on the ice. And I know that’s not how you’d want to beat him.”

Josh accepts her boarding pass, not daring to hope that the news will be as good as it sounds.

Through the in-flight meal, Jason says nothing important. Even if Kori hadn’t tipped him off, Josh would have been able to tell that Jason was destroying himself holding something in. The flight attendants clear the trash and dim the lights; Jason changes into rainbow-striped socks while Josh cocoons himself in a travel blanket. “So Tyler and I broke up,” Jason says, keeping his voice low.

Josh can’t think of anything to say that doesn’t make him sound overjoyed and callous. He puts his arm around Jason’s shoulders, draping the blanket across him in the process. Jason flips up the armrest between them and snuggles in.

“I knew we had to,” Jason says. “Mariah told me at Christmas that I needed to let her go before things got ugly. But I didn’t listen, and it was a big fight, and it made me really upset no matter how much I saw it coming. And now I’m just - it was my fault. I cheated on her, and she caught me, and by that point I wasn’t even, like, trying that hard to hide it anymore. I wanted really badly to make things work with her, and at the same time I was . . . clawing my way out.”

It sounds like he’s been doing nothing for days except replay that breakup fight in his mind. Josh grabs hold of the one detail that makes sense to him. “She found out about you and me?”

“Nope, I managed to keep that one a secret. She didn’t find out about the snowboarder I hooked up with at the Jewish athletes’ fundraiser, either - and that was a girl, which made it weirder, somehow. The thing Tyler actually saw was, it’s ridiculous because it was so innocent, and she made a huge deal out of it. I was working on a group project for college, and we’d been in this study room in the library for hours, going completely crazy. The group was three girls and me and this other guy. And the girls started talking about kissing other girls to get guys’ attention, and how they wished guys would do that, and then they’re like, ‘What would it take for you to kiss a guy?’ And I said, ‘Well, I’m bi anyway, so not that much except my girlfriend not finding out.’ Which was the first time I think I’d said it, at least in exactly those words, just to random people, not like a coming out speech but just _hey, this is me,_ and it felt amazing. And the other guy, his name is Jake, he looked at me and he was like, ‘Okay, let’s do it.’ I was just going to give him a peck on the lips and laugh, but he slipped me tongue and it turned into, you know, a real kiss. After we were done, one of the girls showed us that she’d made a video on her phone and asked if we wanted her to delete it, and we were all like, ‘No, you have to send it to us!’”

Josh nods, not wanting to interrupt him, trying to picture the scene. 

“So it was on my phone, and that was two months ago but I was showing Tyler another video and she tapped the wrong one and saw this, like, this video of me kissing a random guy while these girls are cheering us on. And Tyler flipped out completely, like, ‘Why would you kiss another guy and then keep it on your phone?’ I tried to tell her it didn’t mean anything, that we were just goofing around, and that made it worse. She couldn’t understand how I could kiss someone and not have it mean anything, and I guess she was right, because it meant - there I was with these people supporting me, and this guy wanting to kiss me, and it felt good in a different way than being in love with someone, but still important. Which I know you completely get. And I don’t think she can, which makes me mad, because I really - I wanted it to work out with her, and I know it can’t, not even if she tried to change her attitude, because she’s not wired that way.”

“I’m sorry,” Josh says, meaning it. Jason might say he’s not in pain, that he’s gone numb, but Josh hears the quiver in his voice, feels Jason lean into him when the story opens up his wounds.

“And now I have to shake it off and skate,” Jason says. “Which would be bad enough if the Federation weren’t basically forcing me to put my quad in the short because they want the judges to see that I’m working on it. And, like, you know me, if I’m not ready to put something in a program, I need to _not,_ because then I’ll stress over it and mess everything else up like I am obviously doing right now in my entire life.” He is still smiling, the way he was when he was talking about the mistakes that led to his breakup. That smile would look false on anyone else. On Jason, it’s so real that it’s dangerous.

“At least you won’t have to do it at Worlds,” Josh says.

“Don’t even say it,” Jason says. “Because then I’ll land it here and they’ll make me do it again and _then_ I’ll fall.”

“They can’t make you do your quad at Worlds, and they can’t make you have a girlfriend who wants you to be someone you’re not. You already won Nationals. Unless you commit a felony, they have to give you the funding.”

It takes Jason a moment to start laughing, but when he does, the relief takes over his entire body. He melts into Josh’s arms, and Josh thinks, this will be the moment, this must be. But all Jason says is, “So did you want to watch a movie or something?”

Josh doesn’t have the heart to pile any more anxiety on him, so all he says is, “Okay.”

7.

At Josh’s Tuesday practice in Shanghai, his triple axels feel secure, and the dull thunk of jet lag at the back of his head has not made him forget all his choreography. He’s all set to wrap himself in a blanket in his hotel room and blast Ed Sheeran into his noise-canceling headphones, but as he’s taking his skates off, Damon says, “Hey, remember you’ve got the Team USA pep talk meeting in an hour, so don’t linger.”

“Crap, no sleep for me ever,” Josh says, and he makes his coach laugh.

Josh is so determined not to be late to the team meeting that he’s the first one there. He plops down in the middle of the back row of folding chairs and attempts the world’s shortest power nap. When he opens his eyes, he’s surrounded by ice dancers. Alex Shibutani and Evan Bates force him into small talk and an unexpectedly good mood while they wait for the Team Leader to start. Her speech is mostly about how well they’re all going to do in Shanghai, and how much fun they’re going to have, and how the great thing about Team USA is that they’re really a team who support each other. Cheesy as it all is, Josh likes buying into this kind of positivity. He skates better when he feels capable of kicking ass.

The topic turns to Chinese culture and etiquette, and Josh zones out, because in his fit of first-night jet lag, he read the 50-page PDF culture guide that USFSA sent him when he was named to the World team. He tunes back in when he realizes the Team Leader is lecturing the group on not doing anything that will reflect badly on the United States, especially with fans, and to try to stick to sightseeing packages instead of going off on their own. He tries to smile innocently and hopes that the floor will swallow him up.

Bates waits until the end of the speech to ask, “Why was she staring at you during the morality clause like you’re Satan’s whore?” He, Alex, and Maia have surrounded Josh like he’s a wounded pup in the wolf pack.

Not too loudly, Josh says, “I guess they found out I hooked up with three guys in one night in Seoul.” He rubs his nose and giggles, because it sounds so much worse when he says it out loud. “I mean, not all at once. Separately.”

“Oh,” Maia says. “Satan’s _gay_ whore.” They all start laughing, the kind of laughter that feeds on itself until everyone else in the room gets jealous, wondering what they have to do to get in on the joke. 

“I’m putting that on a t-shirt,” Alex says. “I mean it, I’m making you a t-shirt and giving it to you at Champs Camp.”

“I can’t wear a Satan’s Gay Whore t-shirt at Champs Camp,” Josh says. “I’ll get _lectured_ again.”

“We’ll make it subtle,” Maia says, not at all reassuring him.

“Seriously, don’t worry about it,” Bates says. “All they probably know is, you went out and celebrated.”

“Yeah, I hope so,” Josh says. 

“The worst thing that happens is, you get a reputation,” Alex says. “And that’s not so bad, because it keeps anyone from expecting you to be perfect, so you can get away with stuff. As long as you’re skating well, what can they do? It’s not like we’re rolling in endorsements either way.”

The conversation nags at Josh as the competition nears. Unsurprisingly, he loses his focus in his short program and suffers a fall he can’t afford. He kind of pulls himself together for his free skate, but throughout, a tiny voice in the back of his head refuses to stop reminding him that people are watching his every move, that he can never relax and be himself.

Jason, on the other hand, is so incredible he makes Josh want to cry, not out of envy but out of amazement that someone he loves could be this perfect. Most of the other guys tear off their skates and storm out as soon as it’s clear they’re out of medal contention, but Josh settles in by the monitors in the athletes’ lounge. Jason’s free skate tells a whole different story than the other times Josh has seen him perform it, all tragedy and lost love, like he finally understands how those things feel. Jason comes in fourth, just off the podium, and Josh hangs around until Jason finishes enthusing to the press so Josh can tell him how proud and excited he is. He worries that Jason might think it’s weird to find him waiting, but Jason gives him a big hug when he finds him. “I can’t believe you stayed to watch me!”

“After I screwed up this badly, I needed proof that at least you could pull it off,” Josh says.

Jason scrunches up his nose and shakes his head. “I was twenty points behind third.” It sounds like he’s been holding in that sliver of negativity for the press, and it’s begun to sting.

“Behind two Olympic medalists and a guy having the best year of his career,” Josh says.

“I know, right? I’m mostly happy. Like, ready to start my gala hangover now. Are you going out tonight? Would it be horrible if I asked to tag along?”

“Aren’t your parents in town?” Josh says. “And apparently the Federation is on to me, so I think I’d better lay low this time.”

“On to you how?”

“That speech at the team meeting?” Josh says. “The ice dancers said she was looking right at me during the, like, the morality clause.”

Jason rolls his eyes. “It’s the same speech for all the major events. Literally, the same exact words in Sochi last year. The ice dancers were just messing with you. I’m sure they wouldn’t have if they’d realized they would torpedo your short program.”

Josh shrugs. “I’m pretty sure I’d have found some other way to torpedo myself.” He’s starting to feel better, though, about his performance, about the way the other skaters see him, about running around Shanghai with Jason and finding them both a stranger for the night. “I guess I have a reputation, though.”

“Not a bad one,” Jason says. “People admire your ability to pick up three guys in one night and show up to the farewell breakfast on time and in a good mood.”

“Well, I’d just won silver at a major international, and I didn’t drink because I needed to make sure I could get back to the hotel.” When Josh puts it that way, he kind of admires himself.

“So maybe, maybe if you’re going to stay in, maybe I could stay in with you?” Jason says, like he’s rehearsed this and it’s still coming out wrong.

“Like, just to hang out?” Josh isn’t sure whether he’s more unprepared for a _yes_ or for a _no, I love you._

“No! No, unless that’s all you - Listen, maybe we should have this conversation back at the hotel, instead of here, where people keep walking in.” Jason squares his shoulders and grins. “Not that I care what people overhear, this just isn’t the most romantic place.”

Josh looks around, and the room is empty for the moment. He’s pretty sure if he has to wait until the end of a shuttle ride, he will literally die. He kisses Jason, just enough to tide them both over. It’s not as romantic as it should be, but they never have been, not in the ways Josh expects to be.

“Did I do something wrong?” Jason says.

“No, you were just right that we should have waited to go back to the hotel.”

“No, I wasn’t,” Jason says. When he starts the kiss, he gets it right, like everything they’ve said and done before was practice.

They exhaust themselves keeping their hands off each other in the shuttle and the hotel lobby. They go up to Jason’s room, because he’s still in his sweaty costume. He doesn’t seem to mind that Josh leers at him while he changes into a hoodie and a pair of shorts. Josh doesn’t mind that Jason is putting clothes on, because the second he sits on Jason’s bed, he wants to sink into it and let it swallow up his aching muscles. Josh flops backward, arms spread wide. “Is it bad if I’m too tired to have sex right away?” 

Jason lies down next to him, curling between his arm and side like a missing puzzle piece. “We need to talk before we can have sex,” Jason says, as if this is obvious.

“Yeah, I mean, whatever you need,” Josh says.

“You’d totally just say, ‘Okay, we’re together now, let’s take a nap,’ and never have a conversation about it,” Jason says. 

“Yeah, until things go horribly wrong.” Josh kisses Jason’s head. His hair is salty with drying sweat. “So yeah, talk to me.”

“I want to try. You and me, I think we should, I think we’ll hate ourselves and hurt each other if we don’t. I think we can’t be friends if we don’t.”

Jason will go on like this for an hour if Josh doesn't nudge him along. “But?”

“But I’m worried I’ll cheat on you,” Jason says. “I mean, I have a history, and I’m afraid I’ll have a moment with someone when you’re not around and do stuff first and think about it later, and I can’t deal with breaking your heart.”

“You can’t cheat on me,” Josh replies instinctively.

“I know, I can’t, but what if I _do?_ ”

“No, I mean, you can’t, like it’s not possible,” Josh says. “You - you do this thing where you just love people so much, in the moment, that you need to kiss them. Or put your dick in them. And that’s, I wouldn’t want you to give up that part of yourself. I love that about you, like, after Wednesday practice, that one ice dancer introduced herself and five minutes later you were both laughing hysterically about the Shanghai Airport and you were practically crossing your legs trying not to look at her boobs.”

Jason laughs. “It was hard to avoid. They were kind of… _there._ ”

“You’re not going to stop liking girls,” Josh says. “I don’t want you to feel bad about that.”

“And you don’t want to stop hooking up after competitions,” Jason says.

“I would if you wanted me to.”

“That wouldn’t be fair,” Jason says. “You have a reputation to uphold. And also, like, random strangers seem to make you really happy. It’s like, the way you said I’m good at falling in love with people in five minutes? You’re the other way around. You pick up guys who don’t even speak English, and they’re yours forever. Even the awkward ones, like the guy in Boston you told me about. It’s like you touch them and absorb their powers.”

Josh is pretty sure he’s missing an obvious movie reference, but he lets it go. He doesn’t need a reason to enjoy hooking up, but he’s pleased that Jason has figured one out for him.

“You okay?” Jason says, and Josh realizes he’s been quiet for a while.

“Yeah, just, I’d rather kiss you than talk.”

“We’re going to have to, sometime,” Jason says. “Rules and stuff. So we don’t mess this up. Because I really want to not mess this up.”

Josh tilts Jason’s chin up and brushes his lips across Jason’s. “First rule is, friends no matter what. Second rule is, no shame. Fuck everything else.” 

Jason sighs like Josh is missing the point, but he kisses Josh anyway. “I never stopped thinking about you,” he says. “The whole time we weren’t together, I kept thinking about what I wanted to do with you.”

“Like what?” Josh puts a finger to Jason’s lips. “No, _show_ me. Show me, and don’t say anything else. Unless, you know, I’m hurting you or something.”

Jason starts to ask a follow-up question. Josh presses his finger harder against Jason’s lips. Something is still frightening Jason, and Josh doesn’t want to push him or punish him, but he can’t stand to listen to Jason talk around it anymore. He tugs Jason’s lip downward and trails his finger down Jason’s chin. Jason kisses him forcefully, tongue deep in Josh’s mouth, fingers raking cowlicks into Josh’s hair. Josh wraps his arms around Jason’s back, pulling their bodies as close together as he can.

Jason tilts his head back, tugs at the neck of Josh’s shirt, sucks on his swollen lower lip. Josh sits up and takes his shirt off. Jason places a hand on Josh’s chest and holds it there, just looking, just smiling. He leans forward, pushing Josh backward onto the bed. Accepting that he is in control, maybe delighting in it.

Jason kisses the points of Josh’s collarbones, thumbs his nipples hard, runs his tongue over Josh’s abs. It’s all a little too gentle and exploratory to turn Josh on, but he doesn’t think that’s Jason’s purpose. Jason is teasing him like he’s prey. Josh is ready to be devoured, to be hard in Jason’s hand or Jason’s mouth, but part of the fun is letting Jason drive him crazy setting the pace.

But Josh can still make a suggestion. He rolls the waistband of his pants down, just one fold of the elastic. Jason, getting the message, gives Josh a messy kiss while he sticks his hand down Josh’s pants. Josh sucks in a breath, but Jason rethinks, licks his dry palm, and tugs Josh’s waistband down just far enough to free Josh’s cock. The air hits like an ice bath, but Jason’s hand is warm. Slow at first, almost excruciating, like Jason is memorizing how Josh’s cock feels in his fist. Jason picks up speed, and Josh is deciding that a hand job is not what he had in mind but it is what he wants now, Jason’s safe and steady hand to thrust into.

Jason leaves him edging and breathless, slick with pre-come. He drags Josh’s pants off, one leg at a time, then tilts Josh’s hips up so his ass is in the air and his cock rests swollen on his stomach. Confusingly, Jason still has all his clothes on. Jason lowers his head between Josh’s legs and holds his cheeks apart, drawing in another rush of cool air. Jason’s tongue tickles at first, fluttering in Josh’s cleft to find the hole. When he does, he licks harder, working the tip of his tongue inside. When Josh has gotten almost completely lost in the sensation, Jason goes back to stroking Josh’s cock, bringing him close again, then returning to his ass. It is weird, and it is torture, and it is the most fantastic thing anyone has ever done to him. He hopes Jason can keep this up all night, hopes he can hold himself back from coming, because he wants this to last forever.

It doesn’t. He breaks first, coming all over Jason’s hand and himself. He wants to tell Jason how good he feels, how much he loves him, but he doesn’t think the game is over yet. Jason doesn’t seem to, either, as he goes silently to the bathroom. 

When he emerges, wiping his lips with the back of his hand and smelling of mouthwash and hotel soap, he’s managed to take his sweatshirt off. Josh admires him for a moment. There are a lot of great things about normal guys, but normal guys do _not_ have skater abs. 

“You still have pants on,” Josh mutters.

“Oh, are we talking now?” Jason says.

“Yeah, I guess we’re not _not_ talking.” Josh’s words feel as sticky as the rest of him.

Jason looks him over and laughs. He ducks back into the bathroom and returns with a wet towel and no pants on. Josh stretches his arms over his head and lets Jason clean him up. Jason’s cock presses against Josh’s thigh, half-hard but far from urgent. “Seriously, though, are you okay with actually talking?”

“Yeah,” Josh says, because he is okay with anything as long as he’s doing it with Jason. He sits up, cross-legged and naked on the bed, and Jason mirrors him.

“Because rules? Maybe? So I can stop going over them in my head and relax,” Jason says.

Josh offers the only thing that comes to mind, but it’s not bad. “Condoms with people who aren’t each other. And, like - my doctor asked me if I was sexually active, and I was too embarrassed to not tell the truth, and he put me on this medicine that protects you from getting HIV.”

“Good rule,” Jason says. “I was thinking of stuff more like, be honest if you hook up, and if you feel like you’d have to keep that person a secret, don’t do it.”

“Is it fine to say no other skaters?” Josh says. “Or coaches or whatever, not that I can imagine that happening, but still.”

“Nobody who lives at the OTC.” Jason laughs like that’s been a problem before, for someone else, and Josh hopes he will remember to ask for the gossip later.

Now that they’ve gotten going, it’s easy to come up with more, all the failsafes that Josh has semi-consciously put in place for himself. “I don’t drink if I’m hooking up. I mean, I did once and it turned out to be kind of a bad idea. If I’m going out alone I want to make sure I can get home safe and stuff.”

“No drinking is fine,” Jason says. “And maybe, like, we should text each other if we’re not sure? Or if we’re in a bad situation and need to get out? Which reminds me, we probably need some real safe words, and an emergency code word.”

After some giggling and a lot of bad ideas, they come up with a set of words they are willing to ruin forever. They’re mostly inside jokes already, anyway. 

“You haven’t gotten off yet,” Josh says, kissing Jason. “I’m not sure I’m okay with that.” 

Jason laughs. “I kind of feel like I have, though. But you’re right, and I want to, and - and this is going to sound boring and unoriginal, but what I want is, has anyone else ever told you that you give the best blow jobs?”

Josh blushes. “Once,” he admits. It was a Grindr hookup in the Colorado College dorms, but he doubts that Jason wants the details.

“That’s actually reassuring?” Jason says. “Because it’s not like I’ve gotten them from _that_ many people, but you had to be the first and and ruin everyone else for me, so -”

Josh feels a sudden weight of responsibility. He strokes Jason’s face. “I gave you your first blow job?”

“You were my first, period,” Jason says. Josh can’t tell if that’s the secret he’s been clinging to nervously, or if there’s something even darker underneath. “Like, I only dated girls before you, because it was easier than dealing with liking guys too, and - most of the girls I went out with were younger, and they weren’t ready. And then you were so casual about it, like, sex was just a normal thing to do, and I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it.”

“You could have fooled me,” Josh says. “I mean, we were a little awkward, but you seemed to, like, know where to put everything.”

“I spent a lot of time thinking about all the things I was pretending I didn’t want to do with guys,” Jason says. “Denial makes you really specific.”

He looks guilty and embarrassed, so Josh kisses him and says, “Hey, no shame. Rule two.”Jason perks up at that, so Josh adds, “And I’ve never had a boyfriend, so maybe that evens things out?”

“Really?” Jason says. “I mean, you could have had anyone.”

“Yeah, I guess, but, like - there’s not that many people I want to _keep._ And when I do, I get shy and mess it up.”

“But you’re not -” Jason stops himself, and his face softens like pieces have snapped into place, like he understands something that even Josh himself doesn’t. He holds Josh’s face in both hands and kisses him. “I thought you were about to suck my dick?”

Josh laughs. “I was.”

“Could you, like, rough me up a little first?” Jason says. “I’m so sore from skating, I won’t feel anything if you’re gentle.”

“Tell me if I’m doing what you want,” Josh says. He taps his forehead against Jason’s. “Tell me everything.” He growls the last syllable, turning it into a challenge. Josh bites Jason’s neck hard, the salt of dried sweat filling his mouth, and digs his fingernails into Jason’s back.

“Yeah, like that, and my nipples -” Jason doesn’t finish his instructions before Josh is following them, leaving a trail of claw marks as he slides down Jason’s body. He sinks his teeth into the skin around Jason’s nipple, the tight muscle underneath resisting him, then sucks in as much flesh as he can, biting down as he teases the sensitive tip with his tongue. “Oh God, yeah, but _harder,_ ” Jason says. Afraid he might draw blood, Josh switches to the other nipple instead. The misdirection works, and Jason says, “Yeah, like that, perfect.”

Jason’s gasps start to die down, and Josh leans against him, pushing him back onto the bed. Jason’s cock is harder than Josh had realized. He’s gotten there fast, but he’s also been storing it up for an hour. Josh teases him one more time, clawing the insides of Jason’s thighs. “Yeah, fuck, please,” Jason says, barely coherent.

There are no more instructions, just Jason pleading and swearing as Josh lowers his mouth around Jason’s cock. He presses his lips around Jason’s shaft, rasping his tongue underneath, humming as he remembers to exhale. Jason is too strong for Josh to hold him down when he bucks upward, so Josh puts another row of fingernail marks into his side whenever he gets out of line. Finally, he can’t hold Jason back anymore, and Jason arches into his mouth, screaming so loud that the walls seem to rattle around him.

Somehow, Jason recovers faster than Josh does. “Do you need another round?” he says, sitting up while Josh’s head is still in his lap. 

Josh stretches and rolls off of him, laughing softly. “I need a nap. And maybe room service.”

“The Federation’ll kill us if we get room service,” Jason says unconvincingly.

“I have cash,” Josh says. “I was supposed to go out tonight.”

They get dumplings and fried rice because the off-season is for carbs and Jason assures Josh that the World Team Trophy doesn’t count. While they put pants on and wait, Josh asks, “Who’s your roommate?”

“Brendan. Don’t worry about it.” Jason says. “No, seriously, it’s taken care of, you can sleep here.”

“It’s okay if you need me to go,” Josh says. It’s not really okay; he wants to stay. He’s just used to leaving.

“Have you ever spent the night with someone?” Jason says.

Josh almost lies, but he thinks better of it and shakes his head.

“Don’t worry,” Jason says. “You’ll get the hang of it pretty fast.”

*

“No,” Maia says. “You have to wear it _now._ ”

Josh assumed the ice dancers would forget about making him a t-shirt, but here it is on the first day of Champs Camp, “SGW” in giant red letters on black fabric. The S is wearing a pair of devil horns, the W has a forked tail, and a rainbow arches over the whole thing. Ten people here will understand why it’s hilarious, and everyone else will assume he’s up to something, which is actually an excellent life goal. He takes off the shirt he’s wearing, baring his pasty abs right there on the lawn because that’s clearly what she wanted him to do. “Thanks,” he says, shaking out the new t-shirt before he puts it on. Unsurprisingly, it’s a size too small. He’s pretty sure it’s tight enough to show his nipples. 

Jason comes running up to say hi, catches sight of Josh’s shirt, and laughs so hard his knees buckle. He and Mirai are both so attached to its backstory that Josh sometimes forgets they weren’t there for the original conversation. “It has a _tail,”_ Jason gasps. “How long did you guys spend on this?” he asks Maia.

“There were a few drafts,” Maia says.

Josh wears the t-shirt proudly to the anti-doping seminar and the welcome dinner, but the best part is the audience reaction when he takes the stage at the talent show. There are wolf whistles, and he takes them in stride like he would if he were on the ice. The secret to performing for an audience, whether it’s thirty ice skaters in the OTC auditorium or thousands of fans in an ice arena or one guy in a bedroom, is remembering that the butterflies in his stomach are beautiful and delicate.

He was supposed to room with Brendan, but Jason made a deal, and now Brendan is sleeping in Jason’s dorm while Josh and Jason push the twin beds together in their double room. They make out lazily, Josh’s too-tight shirt riding up. “You need to wear this for your exhibition skate,” Jason says. “Seriously. It makes you confident.”

“ _You_ make me confident.” It’s beside the point, but it’s true. “This will make me show off my abs when I spin.”

“Wear it, and I promise I’ll wear a shirt that actually fits me for all my galas,” Jason says.

“If I keep it on now, will you suck my dick?” Josh says.

Jason slides both hands up Josh’s shirt as they kiss. Sometimes, they doze off before they get to sex, and that’s fine. The sex will still be there in the morning, and Josh’s latest favorite thing is Jason waking him with a blow job.

He hasn’t hooked up much since he and Jason officially became a couple. He picked up a guy in Sun City when he performed there in June because he opened up Grindr just to see if anyone was there, and one thing led to another. A month before that, Jason went to Mexico on vacation with his family, and Mariah invited Josh on a weekend camping trip with her and a few other girls who train in Monument. Mariah’s been trying a little too hard to show that she approves of Josh going out with her best friend, but Josh has convinced himself to relax and appreciate her effort. She let him invite Mirai along, too, which made him a lot more comfortable. Anyway, the next campsite over was a bunch of stoner dudes who’d driven down from Boulder, and one of them took the weekend off from heterosexuality to call dibs on Josh. Meanwhile, Jason had a vacation-long fling with a girl in Mexico, and afterward, they swapped stories in giddy detail.

In other words, it’s working out.

Jason is teasing Josh’s cock through his jeans and asking if he still wants that blow job, and Josh is saying he wants all the blow jobs. Jason lies on top of him for a few moments, eyes sparkling as he touches their noses together. This is so easy, now that they know what they’re doing.


End file.
